Learning to Deal With ....... (Introduction)

We should never stop learning - 

although some lessons can certainly trip us up! 

I’m an ordinary person - I don’t have a Degree in Psychology or a Diploma in Human Behaviour, but I do have life-experience.  Lots of experience.   I’m not an expert with answers to all the world’s problems, let alone another person’s, but I have gained answers to many of my own problems.   Perhaps the answers I have found that helped me,  will in turn, help you.  

INTRODUCTION

Women finding themselves in situations outside of their previous experience and life-style have, understandably, moments of great apprehension and hesitancy; moments of serious self-doubt; moments of fear, intermingled with dreams and hopes of unfulfilled ambitions and aspirations.   

As a woman grows older, she finds her ability to rise from embattled experiences that have worn down not only her physical and emotional energy but her belief in herself, becomes almost an impossibility. She becomes more debilitated and with all that past experience she may feel embittered and no longer able to cope with the changes that have now beset and surrounded her.

She feels completely out of control.  She feels as though she is no longer important to anyone, let alone herself, and she feels alone and abandoned.

But there are tremendous possibilities ahead of her;  challenges and goals to achieve.  All it takes is time to seriously consider what she wants, what she needs, and how badly she wants those wants, and how she will successfully meet those needs.

While “Learning to Deal with ...” covers a number of subjects, one subject above all receives a lot of focus.  That is low self-esteem.  It is essential that no woman measures her self-esteem by her appearance or her size.   

Because without a sense of worth, and the confidence to make an impact upon her future life, the struggle to overcome and rise above “happenings” that have already occurred, will be even more difficult.

“Learning to Deal with ...” is like a patchwork quilt - it goes from one subject to another and then back again, allowing the reader to flow with the subjects undertaken, but will allow her to gain further insights into other subjects as she goes through the booklet.   I’ve taken this route, because in my journeys of self-discovery I’ve wanted to gain as much as I can from every little snippet I read.

So my question is why should a woman have to face her problems alone?   Answer: She shouldn’t.

This is why “Learning to Deal with ...” presents lots of hints and suggestions and strategies with which every woman, regardless of age, size and shape, can confidently face the future and gain her own sense of self and worth.

I dedicate this book to all those women 

who have journeyed with me through the years

and those who will accept my hand 

in friendship in future days.   

❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉

“Learning to Deal With ….” First published in Australia 2005 reprinted 2024  

All rights reserved.  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or via any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, USB, printing or otherwise without the prior permission of the author. 

Text ©2005/reprinted © 2024 Rosemary Parry-Brock Davidson 

Disclaimer:

Information contained in this book is based purely on personal views, opinions, experiences and observations.   Matters dealing with health (physical as well as emotional) should be discussed with your own medical practitioner. This book forms part of the concept of RoseMary’s NoteBook© which includes a series of newsletters and other booklets & publications including motivational short courses, for women of all ages and all shapes and sizes.   RoseMary’s NoteBook© continues to break down antiquated attitudes about age and size and inspires women to look at themselves from a different perspective - from that of being “old” and/or “plus size” or “too small” or even a “no-hoper” to being a feminine and unique woman, filled with on-going beauty.   

Ageing Outrageously - Keeping Focus

 Let's start off with the obvious. A woman goes through many phases as she grows from childhood through to a teenager, an adult and then an older woman. These changes influence & impact upon her life at all those particular points in time and travel with her into the future, sometimes bringing with them emotional reminders, both good and bad. These she either confronts & deals with or carries as baggage.

But for the majority of us all the "seasons" of womanhood are exciting, filled with promise and challenges plus a few pitfalls which we manage to struggle through and rise above when it's difficult but which we mainly sail happily through.

Then one day the face in the mirror that looks back at us, is unrecognisable. Experience, joys, hardship, worry, anxiety, the ups and downs of surviving in a world that may present hurdles and difficulties, show in our face and in our body. Gravity wears away at our looks and figures, and for some reason our mind undergoes a similar change. Not always for the better I might add. Yet it forms the opinion that the person in the mirror no longer deserves to be pampered or bothered about. Even as far as saying that the person no longer deserves respect.

With that decision, many subtle and not so subtle changes become habit. We take less care of our complexions, our hair, our hands and feet. We take less trouble in choosing clothing. Anything that fits (whether it suits us or not) will do! Many women even give up on their favourite past-times or leisure pursuits, including hobbies, and "retire". When I think about it, and I decided not to think about it too often a long time ago, "retire" is such a negative word! It's really not worth my attention, because by definition it means, to sit in a corner and rusticate! Isn't it better to "rest" (rather than "rust") when we need to, and to bustle around doing things when we choose to? As so often happens when a woman "retires" she loses her sense of being important, if not to others, then quite often to herself. Silly, isn't it?

And what happens is that women too often no longer see themselves as intelligent, articulate women deserving of having their opinions heard and respected. We also forget, far TOO often, that we are still sensual beings.

Is it wrong for us to "want" to wear makeup, to dress nicely, do things we want to do, go where we want to go, travel, undertake courses at TAFE or university, even?

Why not buy a new car, leave a failed and/or broken relationship, especially if that relationship has become violent and uncaring? Even, dare I say it, to take a lover?

Don't get me wrong - I have strong principles and ethics that direct my personal standards, but life is short, and it needs to be treated with the utmost respect, humility and affection.

Affection for life? Of course. It's a wonderful and unique thing - life. You can't make it, you can't copy it, you can't replace it. It's a gift to you and I believe, passionately, that because it is a gift, it should be treated with gentleness and total and unconditional love and respect.

To be continued .....

"ROSE IN BLOOM"

The time has come the walrus said, "to speak of many things."

It's been years since I went through my files having decided to update a few of my small booklets dealing with all sorts of things, but mainly self-esteem for the plus-size woman.  In the years since I began "RoseMary's NoteBook"© back in 1991, things have changed.   Fashion shops opened, and a number concentrated on supplying a range of casual as well as conservative/office/classic/original/imaginative garments for not only all sizes, but aimed especially for the size 16 plus.   Which reinforced and justified my endeavours from the early 1990s for women of size, to be recognised as worthy of attention, as well as courtesy and respect.  So we enjoyed being able to shop and more importantly to purchase both instore as well as on-line beautiful garments for everyday wear, as well as evening and more formal.

However, throughout life we can sometimes become blinded by the fact that when things seem too good to be true,  somethig happens or comes along, that bring us forcibly to the realisation we can take things for granted too often, and life changes overnight.  As the old saying goes, we fall on our faces.  Such has been the case here in 2020, when the Coronavirus Pandemic appeared throughout the world.  

 

BEING IN LOCKDOWN or 'ISOLATION'

Hello dear friends,  

This is a “strange” time we’re in.  Being in Isolation I find daylight hours seem slow and tedious, whereas as the afternoon unfolds, I find my day is rushing by. When I speak to some of my neighbours by phone or Messenger , they say the same thing!  Just what is going on, I ask?

This morning I opened the curtains to find the sky grey with heavy clouds.   Two hours later the sky is blue, and the sun is shining.   For those readers overseas, we’re in the second month of Autumn (my friends in the USA call it “Fall”).  While the weather here is cooling considerably, one thing I am missing is being able to walk around nearby streets and to see the ever-changing gardens.  I miss seeing the leaves of the deciduous trees turning into their beautiful colours. 

The Lockdown and Emotions

A number of my friends are telling me they’ve been going through all sorts of emotional ups and downs.  The worry associated with “not knowing” (what this virus is, where it came from, how long we will need to fight it, will it “die” of its own accord, or hide away?), together with not being able to see our families or to join in small groups with our girl-friends, yet trying to cope with the feelings of having no control on almost any part of our daily life, is taking its toll.  

Yet, as another friend from New Zealand wrote in her blog today, “This crisis WILL pass.  We WILL be back to normal, whatever our normal was or will be.   Life may be on hold for many but it still has the potential to be full of dreams and plans.”   She then included a most beautiful Youtube video of her land which has incredible uplifting words.   Visit her blog at:  thelockdowndiary.blogspot.com

Asking for Help

This is a time when our friends - whether close-by or further afield, need us, as we need them.   Too often we hold back and not ask for help, whether it be physical or merely just to “listen” to us when we feel out-of-sorts or “down in the dumps”.   We hold back because we don’t want to worry them, or take up their time.  Yet, I‘ve often found that when I do let my “pride” down a notch or two and actually ask a friend to “listen”, then they are ready, willing and able to put their life on hold, just to hold my hand (figuratively) and walk me through my times of anxiety or stress.    I like to think that I respond in like manner when they call on me. 

This is where, even though the “social-distancing” and “isolation” is restricting us in so many ways, we have opportunities to reach out and seek a friendly word of encouragement through means of emails, telephone calls and face-time.   We don’t need to remain silent, to keep things to ourselves, to wonder how other people are coping.   For when we are aware that we may feel disadvantaged because we can’t meet up with our girl-friends for coffee or get together in groups for lunch, then we become aware that they in turn most likely feel the same way.  

Loving each other

I heard the Joni Mitchell song the other night, “I’ve looked at love from both sides now.” While this is a regretful-love-song, it is more to the point a song about the two sides of love.   We can easily say we love our family, friends and neighbours, but to actually prove that in words, deeds, and caring, we rise above just being someone who says things but never does things,  In so doing, we can then become even more the person we’ve always hoped we would become.

But love doesn’t only have two sides. It is multi faceted. Love is just a four letter word, and yet it is incredibly difficult to define.  There are so many layers.  So many meanings.  So many translations.  Yet love is what makes the world go round.  It’s not being powerful, or being multi-rich, it’s being aware of another person’s needs whether they be physical or emotional and being ready to respond to those needs in whatever way we can. 

We also need to “thank” each other for countless things.   Teena the other morning reminded me about this when she told me she makes a point of saying “thank you” to all the people stocking the shelves in the supermarket where she shops. When you think about it, there are thousands of people who are still working in order for this country to continue moving forward.  To most of us they are the people in the background and we seldom give them a thought.   Why not make a short list of people you can think of, to whom you can say “thank you”.  For doing what they do, whether they are on the frontline (in their selfless examples) or in the background.     

Keep safe , everyone.   God bless you all, without exceptions.

Fondest regards

🌹 🌹 🌹

CARING about one another. CARING for one another.

Hello Dear Friends

For those of us of a “certain age” (don’t ask me what that means, because as far as I’m concerned any and every age is a “certain” age!! Lol), we’ve enjoyed many decades that became enriched following the Second World War, by way of better housing, more choices as far as food and clothing are concerned;  better transport, in fact being able to buy our own car, better and faster access to going to the Dr, the supply of medications, the ability to travel extensively, being able to regularly go to a restaurant for a special meal, the opportunity of education whether it be by attending mature-age university or by learning on the job, the technological age that permitted us to have our very own personal computer and then electronic devices, and the list goes on.

Yet now in 2020, with each day, in fact almost hour by hour, we find more things to upset us;  to cause us inconvenience; to make us anxious and stressed.   We learn there are more things to confront.   

For nothing has prepared us for this dreadful Covid 19 and its horrendous journey throughout the world and for those who say it’s not serious are denying reality.   The government here (Victoria, Australia) is bringing  in even more stringent measures in its endeavour to control the rapid spread of this virus through social physical interaction; casinos, hotels, sporting events, gyms, coffee shops, restaurants, concerts, art galleries, theatres, cinemas, churches are closed. Warnings of social distancing have been rejected by thousands of people, who take the attitude its not serious and therefore doesn’t affect them.  The common laws of good manners and common sense have been foolishly scorned.    Hundreds of thousands of jobshave already been lost, as well as small businesses going to the wall.  Not to mention large businesses.  

Unfortunately it affects us all.  And it's important that we, as intelligent, sensible human beings, take into account that each one of us is as important as the other.  Caring and sharing has become a symbol of “charity” (good-will and kindness) to its highest level of meaning amongst many people in our communities.  Young people are volunteering in droves to deliver food parcels  where homelessness and poverty prevent people from buying essential foods. Each day brings “positive” stories of individuals who have decided to make a stand, and to do things for other people, without thought of recompense.  

I made a conscious decision more than a week ago to semi-self-isolate.   For someone who has always enjoyed my own space, and not needing other people to provide my “entertainment”, it has been quite enlightening to me to realise what semi-self-isolation actually means.  Especially for those who “need” face-to-face interaction with other people.  I cannot comprehend their feelings of loss.  Yet,  I thank God for my one small room which I call my sanctuary - my “Serendipity Sanctuary”! 

So, finding my options were (1) watching TV, which I haven’t done for quite some time with the exception of the evening news each day; (2) reading and I’ve begun to read some of my old favourite authors again;  (3) and apart from vacuuming my room, tidying up and dusting, doing a little bit of simple cooking, it has become clear  I have the opportunity of seeking other means of keeping myself occupied in meaningful and worthwhile endeavours.  I am lost for things to do!   Although I have found I’m increasing my contact with friends, some whom I’ve not spoken with for years,  by telephone, and now by “ messenger” via my iPhone    The sound of another human voice and a voice we know, brings so much pleasure and costs nothing.  Oh yes, I’m playing music far more often that I’ve done over the past few years.   There’s no doubt that music soothes the soul.   

I am most fortunate in having my computer.   I can sit and write.  I can sit and learn.   I can sit and think.  And boy, do I think a lot?   (As most of you know!!)    I’ve decided that “semi-self-isolation” is in fact “solitude”.   Solitude is not loneliness.  It is more a “place of calm and peace”, whereby our well-being can become:

(a) refreshed

(b) reinvigorated

(c) revitalised

(d) renewed

(e) revived, and

(f)  restored. 

With that achieved, we are well armed to provide helpfulness through kind and loving words and encouragement; a listening ear to those who are going through problems that beset them;  and a heart that is open to those who need a friend. 

Women of all ages, since the beginning of time as we know it, have been resilient, adapting to the changing world around us.  Going without - in order that families and neighbours were fed;  in order that children were clothed and educated; in order that elders were cared for;  in order that others were thought of and looked after.  

Women have had to fight for the privilege of education (and I’m not only speaking of the 20th century, but earlier.)   Women had to fight draconian working conditions in mills and workshops as the industrial age came along, not to mention the backbreaking work in the coal and tin mines,  Women had to fight for acceptance to become doctors and teachers, and then typists and secretaries.  Women have had to fight discrimination throughout all facets of every-day life.  Women have had to face hardship, poverty, domestic abuse, and sadly many still do. 

But all in all, as life-style things improved for women, we began to take things for granted in so many ways.    This situation that now confronts us is a “wake-up” call, that things are not as they seem or as we recall just months ago.  We can’t assume that life will continue in that way, after this virus has passed away.  We have to grapple with a new reality and a fight against an unseen and remorseless foe. 

Yet women are born fighters!   And while we are facing and coping with this Covid 19,  if we look beyond our own needs, and share with others their needs, we will all be victors!    And our men need us too.  To provide the strength and toughness of spirit that we can provide them as they also battle with the insecurity and uncertainty presently confronting us.   

Because  women have always had the ability to look beyond what is NOW.  For “now” soon becomes “then.”   

Take care my friends and express love to one another in simple ways.   God bless you all - without exceptions.  We need each other more now than history can recall.   

Fondest regards

Rosemary

🌹🌹🌹

JUST WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM?

Self-esteem is one of those trendy catchwords that dance around in our vocabulary.  We speak of high self-esteem, low self-esteem and building self-esteem.

Yet for all the self-help books on the market, and titles are added to this category every day, self-esteem remains an elusive concept.  What exactly is it?  Why does it matter?  How do we get it?

Self-esteem is the value we put on ourselves.  

Part of that value involves living our lives according to that value.  High self-esteem is viewing ourselves as we do the people we admire and love.  Precious and deserving of the best.  It means, at least sometimes, putting ourselves first.

Some of us are not easy with that perception because putting ourselves first seems to infer that we're being selfish.  We like to think we're above thinking of "self" to the detriment of others, and yet we do need to respect our own wants and needs.  Otherwise how are we to respect the needs and wants of others?  When we begrudge ourselves time, solitude, space, leisure or pleasure, we'll tend to be like that with others.  If we deprive ourselves then we'll deprive others.  And what's wrong with recharging our own batteries every now and again which will enable us to continue giving to others?

But we dare not assume that high esteem is something once attained, will be ours to call upon in all situations and circumstances.  As with any other personal trait or characteristic, it can fluctuate, depending on a lot of things.  The important thing however is to realise it can go up and down according our moods and to things that happen around us, and not to give in to believing that a glitch means we've lost our self-esteem.  It will merely be misplaced for a little while waiting for yhou to rediscover it.  It will never be lost.  

SO WHERE DO YOU STAND?

Let's start at the beginning.  And that is, ost certainly, the best place to start.

Just where do you stand at the mmoent, as far as self-esteem is concerned?  Do you have high self-esteem, low self-esteem or a lack of self-esteem?  Don't waste time in explaining or excusing yourself if you lack self-esteem, because that's not the purpose this project.  If you're at this starting point, then you want to go forward, Not sit where you are at present.  The same applies to those who may have low self-esteem; it's a matter of wanting to improve your feelings and acceptance of self, not to dwell on any negative feelings that you may have at the present time.  

If you have a healthy and high self-esteem, then congratulations - you've stepped over the bridge of discontentment and uncertainty and are busy striving forward in directions that you personally choose and following dreams that you are determined will bring you satisfaction.

Keep tuned for a continuation of this Post on Self-Esteem.